What Is Hiding Behind The Martyr Complex?

The martyr complex is about people who put others before themselves. They may even think that other people’s experiences are more important than their own. Thus, they adopt the role of a victim. In other words, behind the martyr complex hides those who suffer the most and does so very intensely. This way of experiencing life is what psychology refers to as the martyr complex.

From psychology one can understand that using this attitude is practically voluntary. This is because pain and persecution satisfy certain psychological needs. It is common for people to justify martyrdom under the guise of love, duty and sacrifice.

Oddly enough, the search for suffering makes the martyr feel better in some way. In their view of the world, giving oneself a punishment is a good deed. This is because it does not affect another person, and thus it makes them feel more valuable. However, this is a self-destructive pattern, as they decide to ignore their own needs. Thus, they find and immortalize situations that bother them.

The behavior behind the martyr complex

To identify a person who may have this complex, one must look at different behaviors, thoughts and values. Among them is the fact that a person:

• Consider themselves pious, heroes or saints. For their part, others consider themselves to be selfish or insensitive, people who simply do not value the efforts of others.
• Tends to exaggerate their level of suffering to promote their image. In addition, they seek the attention and recognition of all who will listen to them.
• Tends to have low self-esteem. This reflects on how they often say they do not consider themselves worthy and underestimate their personality.

• Has difficulty saying no and setting boundaries. This causes them to take on more “services”, chores and go into violent relationships. Similarly, there are some martyrs who strangely enough end up in the role of manipulators. These guys take advantage of the victim’s situation to push others emotionally and get what they want from them.
• Do not have strategies for solving their problems, and even if they do solve them at some point, there will always be something new to complain about.
• Tend to look for ways to demonstrate their goodness and good intentions while creating situations where another is “the bad guy”.
• May be disappointed to see others’ reaction after helping them. Although they do not expect anything in return, they are often dissatisfied with how others react. This is because deep down they expect admiration for their “incredibly kind” behavior.

How to act around these people?

It is not an easy task to deal with a person who has a martyr complex. This is because they are constantly talking about how bad they are and it can affect you.

Also because they are trying to make you feel in debt when they help you. Therefore, to cope with this person, you need to implement three simple strategies:

• Do not accept favoritism or other sacrificial behavior to your advantage. The more you receive from a martyr, the more likely it is that they will be disappointed in you and that it will lead to future conflicts. However, it is not about rejecting everything, only considering when it is really necessary.
• Do not contribute to the conversation when talking about feelings of grief and sacrifice. Try not to offer compassion or to intensify their anguish. Instead, try to make comments that only highlight the positive results.

• Have a conversation about what lies behind the martyr complex. If this person is important to you, try to have a conversation by explaining that the behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and not good for you. They will be defensive at first, but you can only help them if you speak calmly, appreciate the efforts they make and offer solutions.

If you have a martyr complex

What is more difficult than treating someone with a martyr complex is realizing and admitting that you have it yourself. If you think you have a tendency to behave like this, you can evaluate your behavior as follows:

• People’s reaction to your kindness bothers you. Or maybe you mean they do not respond as “they should”.

• You often say “yes” when you really want to say “no”.
• You make excuses after you volunteer for something you can not do.
• When you say “no”, you are concerned that others may replace you or that others are valued more than they value you.
• You offer to help quickly without considering the options carefully.
• Finally, you feel that you often put other people’s needs before your own.

Change the mentality of what lies behind the martyr complex

First, you must realize and acknowledge that it is a problem, since this is the most important step towards change. Then you need to look for other ways to act and understand that it does not make you a bad person. This is because being accepted or loved is not determined by what you do, but by who you are. Thus, striving for and satisfying and meeting everyone’s needs is  a mental strain that leads nowhere.

Find different ways to interact in your relationship. Take on a different role. Maybe it’s time to take the initiative, make your own decisions and start taking care of yourself if you have lived your life around others until now.

It is essential that in this process of change you consider whether this is a way to stay balanced. You must also think about what lies behind the martyr complex, whether you place yourself above, below or next to another.

Above all, take responsibility and respect the freedom of others. It’s time to realize your mistakes and understand that each person responds and understands life in their own special way. Thus, yours should not be dependent on yours.

Finally, talk to others about the change process. They will certainly understand and appreciate it and can even help make it easier and more bearable. However, be patient. There will be people who may have taken advantage of this situation, or who simply need more time to adapt to the new you.