Mother Or Friend? Mother First, Then Friend

Should one be a mother or friend first? What do you think?

Being a mother is one of the most beautiful things in life. It sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. The process of creating life and food is more than just biological. The feeling of warmth and the protective, loving instinct is hard to avoid.

It’s like embarking on an unknown path. We know that we not only come across beauty, but also uncertainty, major changes in routine, the pressure to make the “right” decision. In addition, depending on the decade we were born, we may receive conflicting advice on how to raise children.

In today’s world, mothers have to deal with a mess of external opinions about how a mother should be. Almost every week we come across articles and books on how to raise children. How strict we should be, whether we should breastfeed or not, whether it is ok to sleep in the same room… And these debates only touch on the surface.

There is only one mother, but many different types

The book “Mamás perfectamente imperfectas” ( perfect imperfect mothers ) gives us five types of mothers:

• The controller : the mother who tries to be the best in everything. She must control all areas: the children’s academic life, the family and their social life. She makes decisions for them and does not understand the concept of privacy.
• The perfectionist : She always thinks about the results. What is most important is that everything is perfect, according to her expectations. She leaves no room for difficulty, fear or doubt.
• The Assistant : This mother also ends up taking ownership of the children’s schedules, habits, vocabulary and even friends.
• The competitor : she can not accept that her children are better than her in some aspects of life. She corrects condescendingly. She does not lead her children, and instead she competes with them.

• The acquirer : This is a mother who does not differentiate emotionally between what is happening to her children and what is happening to her. Everything affects her.

And these are just a few examples. Although we could catalog and label the different types of relationships that mothers have, the fact is that there are as many mothers as there are women with children. In addition, people are changing. Mothers can go through times of doubt or go from controlling to being perfectionists when their children grow up.

Mother or friend? Mom first, then friend

More and more mothers are expressing that they want to be friends with their daughters. A friend’s function is to listen, entertain, support, be complicit, punish, give advice or accompany. All of this is like something a mother would do at first glance.

However, there is something that separates them. A mother figure must be an example, a role model and a mentor. A mother is, along with the father, the main reference, and has the strongest connection that exists between people: attachment. The relationship between parents and children comes from love, protection and support in the early stages of life – when we are most vulnerable.

Mother or friend? Why your children need a mother first

Usually, mothers begin to want to be friends with their children when they become teenagers. Adolescence is when our children begin to become more independent and look for their place in the world. So, should one be a mother or friend first?

Out of fear of not knowing, losing control, or the need to show that they trust their children, many mothers begin to act as friends of their children, telling them so.  The truth is that there is a time in life when trusting someone does not mean having to tell them everything. It is a time when children have to make their own mistakes. We can not always control everything they do.

Children need to have secrets, they need to argue, they need to hear “no”. They need to be told what to do and have boundaries. So when we wonder if we should be their mother or friend, we must remember that a friend does not. Therefore, we choose our friends and can leave them whenever we want. An important part of the friendship is uninterested affection.

But a mother has an interest, a personal and a pure interest in giving values, raising and guiding her children. At the same time, she must give the children space when they need it. You need to know how to leave the door open so they know they can trust you and that you will be there for them if they make a mistake, instead of kicking in the door and questioning them. No one said it was easy! Hence the beautiful challenge of raising children.