Is It Possible To Change Attachment Patterns We Learned As Children?

You can define attachment as a bond between two people that makes them want to stay together, physically and over time. Humans create this relationship in the first months of our lives with our primary caregiver. The type of relationship we have (attachment patterns) also guides us emotionally in later relationships.

Psychoanalyst John Bowlby dedicated his life to studying attachment. He believed that the process begins very quickly after birth. However, it is not until babies reach about 8 months that the first bond is formed between the babies and the caregivers.

Later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth identified and classified affiliation into three types:

• Secure Attachment: The child feels comfortable in the relationship. It knows if it cries, the parents will answer. It can explore the surroundings and know that it has a safe place to return to. If it feels anxious, look for the primary caregiver.

• Insecure-Deviant Attachment: The child learns that his power to cause reactions in the people around him is limited. As a result, it is not very expressive.
• Insecure-Ambivalent / Conflicting Attachment: Sometimes when the child cries someone comes and comforts it, but other times no one comes. It is not certain who is the primary caregiver. Sometimes it knows, sometimes it does not. This makes the child feel insecure when it’s time to face the world. It feels like it has the ability to cause a reaction from someone, but it also understands that the reaction is unpredictable.

Connection gives us our first idea of ​​what is around us, and it is an idea that we deeply internalize. Unless we learn other patterns later, this will be the way we relate to those we love later.

Can you change your attachment patterns?

As we mentioned earlier, when relationship bonds are formed, we will try to reproduce this pattern, unless we learn another. But, even if this is a strong model, it does not mean that you are predestined or doomed to repeat it forever. It also does not mean that you can not learn anything else.

The first attachments are very important because they allow the formation of secure relationships and promote the child’s physical, social and emotional health. Sometimes babies are not able to form the right attachments. That means they have to do it in the future, with their peers or first significant others. Then the image they have of relationships and bonds will take on a new meaning.

Therefore, it is possible to change connection patterns. To do this, you need to look for new relationships that show you that the bond, trust or relationship with the other person is different from what you expected.

The importance of connection throughout life

Internalizing an attachment pattern that strengthens and affirms our relationships will help us feel secure in our relationships with other people. We want to get people nearby that we can open up to, that we can trust. They can help us on a deeper level because we want better communication.

It is much easier to establish a healthy connection from the beginning. If your initial affiliation is not positive, it can be difficult to change later. In fact, if you want to help someone else change their pattern, you have to be extremely patient. If you want to change your own, you need to dedicate time and resources to getting the tools you need.

Once attachment patterns are established, they become self-fulfilling prophecies. In other words, if you feel like you live in an uncertain world, you will always filter out the things that confirm your hypothesis. You need less evidence to confirm what you already believe. In addition, if you do not trust other people, it makes it harder for people to trust you. It can also make it easier for people with evil intentions to identify you as a single target.

The parents or the primary caregivers are responsible for establishing these first attachments. As much as possible, they must try to follow the model for secure connection. Later in life, we are all responsible for the relationships and relationships we enter into. We must analyze them and make the changes we need. Change is possible, although it may seem impossible at first.