Fear Of Conflict: When Fear Stops Us From Defending Ourselves

People with fear of conflict choose to remain silent. They take on the “it’s best I let it pass” attitude to avoid confrontation  and live in peace. But resistance and avoidance of confrontation puts them in a state of discomfort and frustration, and loss of dignity accumulates.

Fear therefore fulfills an evolutionary function: it helps us to survive and respond better to dangers. The real problem with our modern life is that we no longer encounter predators that threaten our survival. The threats have ceased to be physical, and are almost exclusively phobias. Those who, whether we like it or not, limit our growth and our social and emotional stability.

People with fear of conflict fill psychologists’ consulting rooms. This data may surprise many, but it is a reality. Therefore, dynamics and conversations about their profile are almost exclusively based on “It is better that I do not do or say it so that they do not get angry”; “I do not want to tell you this because it can hurt you”, or “I do not know how to tell this person that what he / she has done does not work for me.”

Living on the brink of permanent insecurity is not a good life. Living under the cloak of injustice for your lack of action is not healthy. Being able to react to what we do not like and be able to defend our rights are the principles of well-being and good health. Meeting conflicts and managing them effectively will help us grow.

People with fear of conflict: What is behind that fear?

We can say that a timely withdrawal avoids conflict. We all know and see that it gives good results. However, persistent withdrawal is not the right response in most situations. This is true when there are injustices, and when it now affects our ability to defend ourselves. Continuous use of avoidance will slowly bring us into a cycle of suffering and a terrible protective barrier.

Almost without realizing it, we will end up accepting unwanted situations. We give others power over us and let our personal boundaries dissolve like sugar in a cup of coffee. People with a fear of conflict have clinical or health problems. They seek professional help for these problems. They end up developing somatic disorders due to frustration (muscle pain, digestive problems, stomach ulcers or cold sores). And of course, mental problems develop as anxiety disorders.

It is not always easy to find a profile for each individual person due to their fear of conflict. However, they have some common peculiarities, and we will discuss these.

• There are people who lack authentic emotional intelligence (they do not understand their own feelings, they choose to hide them, they lack self-confidence and social skills….)
• By expressing their thoughts and feelings in an authentic way, they are afraid of losing their relationship with others. They relate sincerity to threat, with the possibility of losing someone because of it.
• They worry too much about the social image they have of themselves: they do not want to make mistakes or create disagreements.
• When there is conflict, they do not always avoid it. In many cases, they prefer the kindest exit: to take the blame for maintaining harmony.
• They follow a role model that focuses on getting along well with everyone.

It is important to change our view of conflicts

It is enough to say the word “conflict” aloud to visualize a battlefield. A hostile environment where words fly and stick, where disagreements become insults where differences create great distances; and where we may end up losing everything. It is important to make a change, to turn it around, to create a new perspective on the concept.

People with allodocophobia need to understand several things. First, that these situations can give us positive results. When we resolve conflicts, it affects our identity and self-esteem. We improve relationships and the social conditions in which we move daily. Remember that conflicts can arise in almost any situation: with our partner, with our children, with an employee…

We can calm down with passivity or brush away our social role. But then it is necessary to know in what way we should agree with each other. For dialogue, for solving problems, for negotiating to satisfy our own needs. Doing this is not bad, but achieving it requires work, perseverance and adequate training in social skills. It requires anger management and self-awareness. Let us solve our problems and go face to face with life to achieve well-being.