Do Not Expect People To Change For You

Expecting people to change for you is useless. This often happens in relationships where one person wants the other person to change for the better, behave properly and love them the way they want them to do. However, these expectations are rarely met.

Think about it. Believing that someone will make a U-turn and change attitudes and behaviors leads to dangerous and toxic emotional addiction. It’s like waiting for a miracle to happen. To believe them when they say that things will change, that the past is in the past, and then, surprise! You have fallen into their trap again.

This type of situation is very common. Waiting for someone to change for you because you love and trust them. Love cannot be love without trust. You end up giving them many chances because maybe this time will work out. You are convinced that loving them will make them change for the better. Until one day you open your eyes and realize that none of it will happen.

Expecting others to change is frustrating

In psychology, the term personality is used to describe a number of stable traits. Thus, if someone is shy and introverted, it will be difficult for them to become extroverted all of a sudden. However, showing a clear tendency in the personality will not prevent people from changing this and adopting unnatural personality traits.

If people did not believe in change, psychology would be useless. In addition to changing things in others, people can also improve themselves and change their mentality and behavior.

Dr. Walter Roberts of the University of Illinois conducted a study in which he discovered that change, as it is, is more likely to occur in a psychotherapeutic environment. This means that when a person is aware that there is a problem to be dealt with, medical interventions can help them and cause possible personality changes.

Is it right to expect people to change?

You always expect people to change for the better. This hope is also present in families, or when parents raise their children. When children do not behave as expected, parents make a few corrections and tell them that people want them to be respectful and responsible, for example.

The same goes for education. After all, education is about guidance, suggestions, dialogues, setting a good example and choosing a better path than our parents. When you reach adulthood, your personality is quite established. Thus, if you do not have the will to do so, you will not change.

This is why you may find that your partner shows traits that you do not like. You have to accept the good and the bad. Deficiencies, hobbies and singularities are what make people who they are. Trying to change people is not always the best idea.

Some situations can also become more serious. For example, it should not be allowed to be violent, contemptuous and deceitful at any time. This behavior requires a necessary change.

You get hurt and they will not change for you. What can you do?

In John Gottman’s Secrets Behind a Happy Relationship , it’s an important statement. Love goes beyond acceptance; it appreciates others for what they are and vice versa. If you find hurtful behavior, or what Gottman defined as the four riders of the apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensive attitude, and failure to respond), the relationship will fail.

This is where change is important. It’s not about waiting for others to change for you, it’s about accepting that it’s a problem. Because when people suffer, you need to change attitudes and behaviors so that your relationship does not suffer.

In cases like the one above, one of two things will happen. On the one hand, the person will not change, and there will be an “accept it or leave it” situation. On the other hand, you will fall into an emotional and mental trap when you think that they will change for you, by believing in them when they say that everything will be different and that what happened will not happen again. However, it happens again and it usually gets worse.

What can you do if you are in this turmoil? The answer is simple. If you are unhappy and the other person does not change the way you do things better, you need to change. Go ahead and start working on healing yourself.

Finally, under these circumstances, you need to seek expert help. Therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists can prove to be very helpful in these cases.