Before I Love You, I Love Myself

Let me tell you that before I give myself to you, I must give myself to myself, to get to know all my nooks and crannies, and go into the quietest and darkest areas of my soul. I want to know each and every one of my secrets, know what is good for me and what is bad, and dig deeper into why. I am one of those who believe that before I love you, one must know how to say that I love myself in order to be fair to others.

I need to know what my wounds are, and at some point they start to bleed again. I need to know my strengths and know what it is that defines me the most, what footprint will I leave, my strengths… so that I can give it to you at the right time with a smile. I prefer to love myself first, so I can love you healthy and right. And if you are still in doubt, do not worry, when you finish reading this letter, you will understand everything I say.

When I did not know how I loved myself

I began to realize the importance of loving myself when I forgot to do so. Just when I was at my worst and I dedicated myself to asking for love from others to feel good.

My false welfare depended on the approval of others and their state of mind. If they decided to value me and give me a little flattery, I thought I was happy, but when they criticized and despised me, I considered myself a failure. Without knowing it, I gave the keys to my well-being to anyone, and forgot myself.

When I arrived, I ended up being the one that others loved, and for myself I was a complete stranger. I did not even know what I liked, where I wanted to go or what my dreams were because they told me everything. I denied myself the opportunity to meet myself, even though the truth is that I did not even know this was possible.

One day I exploded, alone, but I did. At first I did not know what was happening to me, I just felt uncomfortable and cried, but in time I realized that it was myself who asked for help. From there, I began to realize that I could not remain half a person at the expense of what others thought. I got tired of being the one who made others feel better, and I began to discover myself little by little. I began to love myself.

I love myself for who I am, imperfect but authentic

Suddenly I realized that I could be more independent than I thought, that my opinion was also valid and that my eyes were beautiful. I loved realizing that I knew how to act without others giving me their approval (although, believe me, it cost me it…).

I liked myself, I wondered how I felt, and if the day had become cloudy, I made plans for what I would do when the sun came up. I no longer needed others to tell me what I was worth because I, in my own way, was able to recognize it; if they criticized me, or if I did not know how to do something, I did not doubt myself.

I learned to love my shortcomings and try to improve them and value my achievements and skills, thus leaving the obsessive thought of being perfect to satisfy everyone. Now I love my imperfections because otherwise it would be like amputating a part of me…

I love myself to avoid you saving me

You will probably wonder what loving myself has to do with being able to love you, but you need to know this because that way you will understand how my relationship with you could have been if I did not even care a bit about myself .

If I did not love myself, I would put the weight on your shoulders to remind me of who I am, to constantly satisfy my doubts about your love and my mistrust. You would be responsible for how I feel or at least how I want to experience things and act accordingly. You had to save me every time my insecurities appeared on stage to question my value.

It would not be a healthy love, but instead  our relationship would be an attempt to heal my wounds. By this I do not mean that when I feel bad, do not give me your warmth or give me your arms as a place of refuge, but you are not responsible for reminding me every day of who I am and how much I am worth, so that I can feel good. This is my job.

I refuse to be the one to pay for the ghosts of my past. Therefore, I need time to love myself, to find my fears and my vulnerabilities, and not drag them into our relationship to hurt us. Because you do not need to save me or save me from my emptiness, you are not my savior.

What I want is to share my path with you based on trust and understanding to build a love free from need and continue to grow. That’s why I love myself before I love you. Because I do not want to get lost in the relationship, but lose myself with you.

Photos courtesy of Clare Elsaesser