Love Does Not Need A Magnifying Glass, It Needs A Mirror

When some people are in love, they behave almost like a sniper. They hold a magnifying glass towards their partner to find faults, defects and perceived weaknesses. They undermine, and eventually ruin the relationship.

That is the paradigm of cowardice. A person who does not understand that love needs a mirror – not a magnifying glass.

When it comes to the difficult business of relationships, none of us know everything. Most of us have jumped from more than one cliff, leaving behind dreams and hopes.

We have run aground in the sea of ​​impossible love and cowardly passion, whether we were afraid or just indecisive.

Now, there is a type of relationship that usually creates more shipwrecks than any other. This is where one or both parties act as “identity destroyers”.

They focus their attention on everything they do not like, everything that bothers them about their partner. Why? To ridicule and control them.

They do it because that’s how they take the reins and compensate for their hurt self-esteem.

Almost without realizing it, we are caught in a hamster wheel, our own passivity catches us in a dangerous dynamic of misfortune.

A dynamic where a person carries the magnifying glass, but is unable to see himself in the mirror to see his own holes inside, and his immaturity.

The complexity of love: Blaming the other person

Howard Markman is a professor of psychology at the University of Denver and one of the most renowned researchers in relationships. His extensively published work illustrates with precision and originality the many problems that arise within the framework of the ordinary and the everyday.

One of Dr. Markman’s most interesting ideas is that most people who go to couples therapy are convinced that all the problems and unhappiness are due to the other person.

They have the impossible hope that the therapist will provide “healing” or will “cure” the erroneous behavior of the partner. If it was up to them – and this is what they often expect from the professional – their partner would be taken by the ear and punished for their bad behavior.

Well, behind most couples’ problems, there is usually no mental problem, but a problem with the relationship dynamics. A dynamic that the two have built and that defines how they relate to each other.

For Dr. Markman, complaints that come up in his consulting room are often associated with certain deficiencies related to emotional education and psychological skills. Therefore , he suggests that we should have “psycho-education” in schools from an early age.

The goal of psycho-education is to give us strategies, tools and skills so that we can help ourselves. It would teach us to look at ourselves in the mirror. To identify our own fears, insecurities, and last but not least, to tear down society’s rigid roles and gender norms.

When it comes to love, some people are carried away by these roles and norms. They may have inherited them from their own families.

Maybe they learned that it is “best to be quiet and live with it” , that “if he does not do this, he does not love me, so I must be angry”.

Essentially, the idea is to establish a foundation for self-knowledge so that we can take care of ourselves and thus bring the best version of ourselves into a relationship.

Love does not heal if you do not love yourself

In this colorful, complex and ever-growing material in relationships, there is always room for conflict.

Instead of seeing it as negative, we should, as a disease we can be infected with, see it as an engine that pushes us to know ourselves better and strengthen the relationship.

Conflicts touch the deepest part of our being. However, we still create unnecessary conflict by keeping the magnifying glass occupied against the other person’s alleged errors.

We are constantly unaware of our own emotional responsibility. We do not realize that sometimes we go through life so naked and cold that all we want is for someone to be our shelter. Our warm place.

But listen: this formula never works. Anyone who serves as a “shelter” and “doctor” only feels useful when needed. Unfortunately, it is a dependent relationship.

Sooner or later they will run out of energy, life and dignity. Because this person will live under the unsustainable magnifying glass.

Let us not allow this to happen. Let us stand in front of the mirror and rediscover ourselves and our self-confidence. Do not let yourself be drawn into a relationship where you have to sacrifice your own happiness to be loved.