How Can You Transform Your Relationship With A Spoiled Child?

No parent wants a spoiled child, that’s for sure. But it does not always go so well. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and we could easily apply this to the concept of raising children.

Mom or dad always does what they think is best. But just because they think it’s best, does not mean it’s actually so. 

Raising a child in the midst of a society with great influence and nasty temptations is not easy. There is all kinds of information out there on the subject, but most of the time you will be stuck with mixed messages or those that seem to exist only in the imagination of the person who wrote them.

Real parents of flesh and bones make mistakes, get tired, may lose heart, and go against parenting books. 

The main point is that the children eventually grow up. And while they do, you can not avoid the feeling that there is a lot of room for improvement.

Sometimes they are very aggressive, or too impulsive. They do not listen and you do not have the tools to do it. And finally, you realize that even if you have done everything you can, you have a spoiled child.

But do not be discouraged yet. You can always choose things again, although the task may be more difficult at some ages than others. 

Here we will give you some advice to fix the mistakes that may have been made.

Signs that you have a spoiled child

Before doing anything, you should always make sure that there really is a problem with your upbringing. Not all children have the same temperament.

Some of them have a very strong temperament, and it is not because of growing up. It’s just a natural tendency to have a strong attitude.  There are some characteristics of a spoiled child that really stand out. The…

• Have tantrums just like young children, but much more intense. It is a weapon they use to get what they want. There is a more “sophisticated” alternative to tantrums: blackmail.
• Have frequent “explosions” where they totally lose control.
• Uses strong language to express himself.
• Often damages their own or others’ property,  either accidentally or intentionally.
• Deliberately lying as a way to get what they want.
• Barely do their chores and will not cooperate if you try to get them to do them.
• Delegates their responsibilities or it is very difficult for them to take on the responsibilities.
• Can even steal.

The more of these qualities an older child has, the greater the chances that we have a spoiled child in front of us. 

Of course, the parents tried to raise their child to be responsible and have more self-control, but something went wrong and now the child may seem “uncontrollable”.

Bad behavior: causes and solutions

Children do not behave badly just for fun. In most, if not all cases, the parents have played a major role in how the child functions. 

So the first thing you need to do is find out why your child is behaving badly. This is usually one of the reasons:

• No one has shown them how to deal with the energy that comes from their emotions, and they have not learned it on their own. In most cases, this inability to process this is what leads to their impulsive, uncontrolled way of expressing energy.
• Parents do not know how to deal with their feelings either. Thus, the example they have given to their child is far from sufficient.
• They feel that they have been treated badly in one way or another . This may be due to indifferent or absent parents, or verbal or physical aggression. Children will rebel or show bitterness against the bad treatment by behaving badly.

• They feel overwhelmed. Some parents mistakenly believe that their child is a miniature adult, causing them to overload them with demands or responsibilities. When they reach a certain limit, the child will fight back and behave badly.
• The parents do not know how to use their authority. They can set ambiguous, irrational or unclear rules. Or they may not live up to the same rules they have given to their children. And sometimes they are afraid of harming their child. Or they feel guilty for some reason and try to make up for it by being too rewarding.

So the first thing you need to do is try to find the source of the problem. In other words, you need to find out which specific part or parts of raising the child were problematic.

You also need to save love and patience, because you will definitely need it when trying to reverse this situation.

And you also have to  be extremely honest. Parents must be clear, willing and able to admit their mistakes and correct them. You can not put this on your children’s shoulders: it did not reach this point without both parties playing a role.

There are three things that never fail when it comes to reversing bad parents’ choices. The first is to set non-negotiable rules, based on practical things like the children’s schedule.

The other is to try to set up some relaxed times where communication can flow. For example, people say that playing games makes it easier to communicate and helps children understand the purpose of rules.

In the end, listening will never go wrong . Listening to your child carefully and trying to understand their world will strengthen and enrich their relationship.

Photos courtesy of Rhed Fawell