Why Can I Not Cry?

This is a more common situation than we think. There are many people who, even if they suffer a personal loss, are unable to cry, to vent their pain through tears. Crying, sobbing, is part of the grieving process, and it is necessary to overcome accident and trauma. It is a physiological relief to relieve tension and stress.

It is often said that those who are not able to cry tend to have a problem when it comes to dealing with their emotions. The truth is that we cannot establish this principle as decisive; It’s just a theory.

It is not a problem, but part of a process. You have to let go of the emotions at some point; It may be later than usual, but it will happen. And when that happens, we will feel much better.

The physiological need to cry

Sometimes it can be a kind of physical problem. We know that the need to cry is a way to ventilate our emotions, as well as a way to deal with stress and tension.

But there are people who are not able to achieve this due to an autoimmune disease. It is not that they are suppressing their emotions. It is a problem of physiological origin founded in the autoimmune system.

These people suffer from an autoimmune disease known as “Sjögren’s syndrome” which causes dryness in the lacrimal glands, making it almost impossible to filter tears.

We put the possibility of this disease aside, as the majority of us have experienced this situation at some point – not being able to cry. A reality that can arise for a number of reasons.

Let’s look at them:

Tears as part of a process

Not all of us are the same, nor can we deal with our problems in the same way. Furthermore, it is possible that we react differently to each unique situation. We can cry normally when we lose a loved one, but when we are abandoned by our partner, for example, we are not able to shed a tear.

How can this be? It all depends on how we have understood the problem. We accept the loss of a family member, we know we will never see them again. We feel the pain and translate it into tears.

But in the face of situations where we are abandoned and even betrayed, we may be dealing with the experience in a different way. At first we may feel a lack of understanding; then we may hold on to the hope that this person will return or regret what they did. Later, anger may manifest itself.

Stages where tears still have not occurred because they were still not necessary. But down the road, despair and sadness will show their ugly heads. That is when  our tears come, and with them our need to release our emotions through them. What conclusion can we draw from this? That tears and the need to cry have a cycle.

If we feel anxiety or insecurity, and we have not yet rationalized the situation, it is possible that the tears will not come. But this will depend on each person’s personality. More sensitive personalities tend to go to tears as a proper triggering mechanism. Those who have a greater need for self-control or the simple need to rationalize all aspects of their lives will spend more time before they experience these tears.

Tears and their social connotation

Are tears a sign of weakness or personal frailty? We are not weaker or more vulnerable because we have cried. Sometimes they are as necessary as breathing and they are an indispensable part of all grief. We need to experience them to feel better.

However, our education, our personal and social context, can brainwash us into believing that it is better to deal with pain in silence. This is a mistake that can lead to serious health problems in the long run. Untreated wounds that can turn into internal injuries.

It’s not worth it. Tears and the need to cry are part of our personality. For some it will be easier to let them out, and for others it will be more difficult.

They are part of a cycle where self-knowledge is crucial, knowing how to identify our emotions, knowing how to listen. Maybe they do not come when we need them most, and that will make us feel strange. With everything that happens to me… how is it possible that I can not cry?

Don’t worry, they come when they need it. In the most unexpected moment, when you relax, when you are more attentive, and you accept the situation. Only then will the tears give you real relief.